Access Blogs
Reflections On The Holiday Season
I can't tell you the countless number of times I have sat down to write this blog. But every time, I either start tearing up or I feel I won't be able to come up with words good enough. The holidays bring out so many emotions and feelings. I was recently asked by my hometown newspaper, the Sun News in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, to tell them about my most memorable Christmas for an article they were doing. I chose last year. Here is what I wrote:
"Being with my family during the holidays has always been my first priority. We've had many wonderful Christmases throughout the years, but last year was especially poignant. It was the first Christmas with my beautiful baby girl, Ashby, and the last Christmas with my wonderful mother. It made me realize just how much those times and memories with your family should always be treasured and should never be taken for granted. Last Christmas, my mom had recently been diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). So while it was a very tough Christmas for all of us, the time I spent with her was truly precious and memorable. And as it was Ashby's first Christmas, I was so grateful that my mom got to meet her and they got to spend time together as grandmother and granddaughter during the Christmas season. My mom passed away this June, but she already gave me the biggest gift for which anyone could hope... she showed me how to be a great mother. If I can be just half the mother my mom was to me, I will be a great one. And I know she will be watching over us this year as a Christmas angel."
I tried to keep in mind this Christmas what I had written about times and memories always being treasured and never taken for granted. I knew I would have to draw upon those words during this holiday season, as it would be an emotional one for us being the first one without my mom.
So there we were Christmas Day having dinner when "Ave Maria" started playing on our CD player. That was one of my mom's favorite songs. I had to excuse myself from the dinner table because the song made me think of Mom and how I miss her so very much... and the tears started coming. My husband followed me into the living room to comfort me. I told him how it just didn't feel right to not have Mom there... that there was such a void and loneliness to the air.
It was at that point that my husband said something to me that I feel
should be shared. He always knows the right words to say to me for
comfort. He told me I should be celebrating that emptiness I was
feeling. Looking at him confused, I asked him what he meant. He said,
'You feel empty because that relationship you had with your mother was
so special, complete and full of love.' He continued, saying, had I not
had such an incredible relationship with my mom then that void wouldn't
feel so huge. And although that empty feeling was tough, I should
celebrate all those wonderful times and the great mother/daughter
relationship we had. His words made such sense and gave me a sort of
peace.
So for all of those who have had a loss, I know what it can be like. I guess that is why everyone says live in the moment and appreciate that moment and the special people in your lives. I know I am doing that this holiday season. And I am most grateful for the wonderful example my mom set for me as how to be a mother. There was never an event in my life she wasn't present for, not ever a conversation or hug she didn't have time for and not ever a minute in my life where I ever had to doubt that her family was her first priority. Mom continues the gift-giving even now after her passing, as she gave me the vision of the kind of mom I want to be to my baby girl.
So I am going to try to do what my husband so beautifully suggested... try not to mourn the loss but celebrate the reason why I felt so empty... because there had been so much there to love!
So for all of those who have had a loss, I know what it can be like. I guess that is why everyone says live in the moment and appreciate that moment and the special people in your lives. I know I am doing that this holiday season. And I am most grateful for the wonderful example my mom set for me as how to be a mother. There was never an event in my life she wasn't present for, not ever a conversation or hug she didn't have time for and not ever a minute in my life where I ever had to doubt that her family was her first priority. Mom continues the gift-giving even now after her passing, as she gave me the vision of the kind of mom I want to be to my baby girl.
So I am going to try to do what my husband so beautifully suggested... try not to mourn the loss but celebrate the reason why I felt so empty... because there had been so much there to love!
I know exactly how you are feeling. This was the 6th Christmas without my Dad and you would think that the memories of the person who is not there would be easier to handle but they aren't. I have learned over the years to give myself a block of time to remember my Dad and all the wonderful & crazy things he did. To make him a part of the holiday. Whether its relating stories to the grandkids that do remember him or to the grandkids that don't. I just make sure to include him on the holidays - every holiday, not just Christmas. My dad was a wonderful, caring, giving man and he is missed all year long but the holidays is when I feel it the most.
I wish you and your lovely family the best in 2009.
I almost teared up reading this. Thank you for sharing Nancy.
A beautiful blog. Thank you Nancy for always being genuine.
Nancy,
I can truly relate what your saying. I was married in November and went home for Christmas with my family and it was a fantastic Christmas, only to come home and find out on Jan. 11th that my mom (42) had a heart attack and died. It has been 20 yrs and every Christmas I miss her but I will forever be grateful for all the wonderful Christmas's together, especially that last one.
God Bless you!!!
Deena Lynn
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Beautifully said, Nancy. I, too, suffered the loss of my older brother this year. He leaves behind six school-aged children and a young widow. He was my rock, the glue that held our family of nine siblings together. I miss him terribly.
We celebrated this holiday with Oprah's suggestion of keeping a "Gratitude Box"; writing sentiments to those we love, those we have lost.
Take comfort in seeing your Mom in your baby's eyes. Your sweet, loving nature is contagious, thank you.
Happy New Year.
We share your sorrow. Our sympathies goes out to you and your family. Losing a child is the hardest pain any parent can experience. We too lost our only child (a beautiful daughter at the age of 29 to cervical cancer) it's a devastating loss and beyond comprehension.. You are always prepare to go before your child, not the other way around.
Just know that he will always be in your hearts and he will never be forgotten.
May he rest in peace. Many prayers send your way.
I too know your loss. I lost the love of my life in divorce 9 years ago. I became a single mom of 3 young children which I had always feared. Being left alone to handle it all. Divorce is worse than death, since you have to see your life in front of you. I had to watch him remarry and have step children. While our children grow up in a home where their dad is absent. They see him a lot, but it is not the same as a home with a mom and dad. Then I lost my grandmother who I admired and loved so much 6 years ago. I could always count on her to defend me and always say the right things to make me feel special and wanted. Then I lost my dad 3 years ago and I miss his guidance and advice so much. If I was feeling down he would always lift me up. Then I lost my only sibling, my brother earlier this year. He suffered on life support and it was terrible to watch. Then my mother who I am very close to has had 3 very close calls with death this year due to her diabetes. Right before Christmas this year, my oldest son left to go live with his dad. I have lived with him since the moment he was born. I miss him very much and am very sad he would choose to leave our home, especially right before Christmas. This Christmas was empty and sad. Even though I had my mother, my 2 other children and other loved ones around, it felt so lonely and empty. I really try to take every moment in and cherish every second, but I guess there has been too much loss and this year there was just a sadness. I suppose it will just take time.
I absolutely love you! youre sooo beautiful! i so want to look like you when im an adult. im only 15 and still changing what i look like and every time i watch the show i think "wow..shes my role model."
have a great 2009!
and hope you email me so we can talk.
talk to you soon!
it would be so great if you could email me!
That was nicely said. See my sisters and I lost on mother July 21, 2008 at the age of 56 with no real cause, She had RA and then got Shingles, but who passes from that...so it is hard to have closure. But your husband's suggestion was very nice and made sense to me as well. We should be grateful for the time we have and be thankful that she's the angel that can watch over us.
I often still have to excuse myself as I cry as well..The void is at times unbearable. But it was nice to read your blog.
God Bless you and your beautiful Family!
I know exactly what you're talking about - my grandmother died on dec. 20 and let's just say xmas was tough - it's still tough - I tear up over a lot of things and the void - it's so huge and so constant. I'm lucky to have had her, I know. It just hurts so much right now.
What you wrote was so beautiful. I know exactly how you feel,my mother passes away in 2005 at the age of 56 from kidney cancer. Every year at christmas it's hard because nobody talks about her at home, my father moved on with another woman and it's like he doesn't want to be reminded that he was married to my mom. Every year since her death i've cried at christmas, but this year i tried remebering her laugh, her warm hugs, and all the good times we had together. I don't think it gets easier each year, i think you learn how to live with that absence.
Happy new year to you and all your family!
Hi Nancy,
Your thoughts really touched me as I know that empty feeling very well. My Dad was diagnosed with ALS 9 years ago (the week after my son was born). My mom took such loving care of him but suffered a massive stroke and died while caring for him. My brothers and I watched over dad for 10 months in which time we saw the way this horrible disease affected his quality of life. He died on my son's 1st birthday. It's been 9 years but the emptiness I feel of losing my parents never goes away. I have a good cry on each holiday and then at some point during the holiday I enjoy a laugh or a smile from a happy memory of my parents. I was very blessed to have them in my life and I try to include their holiday traditions in my own family traditions so that my son always has a memory of "Poppy and Grammy"
I hope your family always treasures the memories of your mom as well.
Nancy~ I have recently seen your lovely face on the MDA/ALS division website. First off, very sorry to hear that your mom was taken by ALS. My heart goes out to you and your family. I too know the feeling of despair for my mom has been diagnosed as well. I watched your story told during the MDA telethon. It gives me a sense of peace that there are associations that help people and their families whom are struck by these diseases. I am proud of the strength that you showed during the story of your mom. So, the research that I have been doing has lead me to you. As a celebrity and having that outlet, I am so thankful that you are getting the word out about ALS. I have found that when I talk to people about it they have either had a loved one that was touched by ALS or they just have never even heard of the disease. So thank you for spreading the word about ALS for I think the most important thing is for people to be aware, the more knowledge we have the more we can fight for a cure. I am also writing to ask you where do I start? You said that the MDA was there by your side the whole time, how did that start? My mom has had a hard time with doctors and their "coldness" in response to her diagnosis. All the support and info she has received has been because of her own research and of course her family and friends. It would be a godsend if she and the rest of the family could get support from someone who deals with this and has experience of living with ALS. Not sure if you will get this but any help would be greatly appreciated. She was officially diagnosed last year but has been struggling with the onset of symptoms for about 3 years now. And, as you know, its getting worse. She cant walk, her speech is becoming affected and she is getting weaker everyday. So Nancy, my prayers are with you and your family. Keep up the good work and lets have Hope that we will cure this awful disease in our lifetime. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Nancy,
My father was diagnosed with ALS about a year ago. Recently things are started to progress rapidly. It really helps if I can focus on all the fabulous memories I have of my father. Many of them include Christmas. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it really helps those of us who are struggling.
Nancy, I'm sorry you have to leave DWTS. But, dont worry because once your knee is all better im sure the show will call you back! Best wishes =]
Dear Nancy,
Thank you for sharing this very personal and very beautiful message with us. I completely agree with you how important it is for all of us to cherish every day with all of the people we love. And your husband is precisely right that the sorrow of your loss is deep down a beautiful and wonderful testament to the amazing times that you shared. Though your mother may not be here and now, your memories will never be more than a thought away. And having God ever with us, we are never alone.
Religion is complicated, but to make it simple- I do believe that God and heaven are at least as real as everything in this world before us now. And I am absolutely certain that your mother is in wonderful care, and that in God's time you will surely be with her again.
I'm not just saying this to you because it is a beautiful thought. It is a reality of which I am completely certain.
So continue to treasure your memories. But do not be preoccupied with your sadness. For it truly is just temporary. Ultimately everything ends well; God is good and would not allow it to end any other way.
And throughout the meantime, God is with us and will continue to bring us new mornings and new memories as the blessings of the past ever continue to beam warmth and joy into our hearts and lives.
Steve